Well, as is true with most of my posts, I learned something today while working with a wonderful family that made me realize another thing that may not be commonly known. Repetitive phrases and motion seem to be a mystery to those outside of the spectrum.
Let me see if I can shed a little light on it, and by so doing hopefully shed a little light on what is going on inside of each of these wonderful people in those moments. First we'll address the rocking back and forth, and other repetitive motions that are of a less flailing nature. It is always to release some buildup of energy and emotion. In this instance, however, the emotion tends to be my own emotion rather than the emotions I pick up on.
It is not unusual for my own emotions to overwhelm me. They tend to build up inside and I feel like I need to send them somewhere because it is just too much to hold. As a child I didn't cry unless I was in extreme pain. Even then, rarely did I cry or have tears. Usually the expression came in the form of screaming and yelling. I didn't know how to express the feelings I had inside. It seemed like I couldn't cry. I can now, as many who know me will attest. I cry too easily now I think. But that is a tangent, sorry.
Most of the people I work with are unable to express emotion. It is not because they don't feel. They do feel, and more deeply than most of you do. It is just next to impossible to express the way it feels in words or crying or laughing or hugging or anything else. So there is this literal ball of energy and emotion that has to be put somewhere. Thus the rocking back and forth movement. If your special person is rocking back and forth, it is a sure sign that they are feeling something so strong and it is more than they know how to process and feel.
Also, when rocking back and forth, that movement creates a momentum that allows the energy centers in my body to balance a little better. This is important as a clogged Chakra can make you incapable of processing the emotions stored there as well as lead to sickness. So, because I cannot cry or cannot verbalize what I am feeling, I rock back and forth. Personally, I am capable of crying, but sometimes it still isn't enough for all of the emotions I am carrying.
Now, we move on to the repetition of words. Once again this has to do with emotional capacity more than verbal or cognitive abilities. I am very verbal and even occasionally eloquent. But when I begin to feel things deeply and I am in a rocking back and forth state, my vocabulary seems inadequate. I am reduced to simple phrases that seem like I must be feeling a very shallow emotion.
To explain what I am trying to say: I had an experience where I was really grieving, deeply. There was so much pain in my heart and it just filled me to the point that I couldn't function. My vision became blurred and my depth perception was horrific. I couldn't speak without severe stuttering. And the pain I felt in my heart...I don't have words even with all of my faculties about me.
So what I looked like was this: I was rocking back and forth, crying with mouth wide open and my voice making a horrific sound and occasionally saying simple phrases repeatedly. Those phrases were very simple like, "So Sad, so sad. All alone. So sad." That was all my brain was capable of finding at the time. So I was sitting by myself, crying aloud repeating those phrases and rocking back and forth. I'm sure it was quite the pathetic spectacle.
Had a person been there, it probably would have seemed a much more simple pain than it actually was. In fact, a friend was there later, and the volume changed, but the words and the rocking were still there. I don't know how it was perceived, but I know that the ache was to the depths of my soul - gut wrenching and harrowing pain. Trying to put it into words actually makes it feel like I am somehow cheapening my experience. Those simple phrases were more for my personal comfort than anything else. I wasn't trying to tell anyone how I felt. I was trying to comfort myself by acknowledging, verbally, that I was feeling something and it was very hard to feel.
Now, not all of us are capable of crying or verbalizing. But if there is a repetitive motion, sound, or word that is coming out, I will guarantee you that it is linked to very strong emotions that have nowhere to be released.
Hand flapping is something else. It is still a release, but it is more a nervous, anxious energy. It could be emotions that are rooted internally, or emotions that are being picked up on. I don't flap my hands, but I do rub the knuckle of my thumb over the nail of my middle finger - clockwise on my right hand and up and down on my left hand. It helps me release the nervous energy so that I can stay focused a little longer. I mostly do it when I am anxious to find the right phrase or word to express something. Sometimes it is because there is too much excited energy around me and I find myself wanting to jump out of my skin and out of the room.
The words do not necessarily correspond the way you think they will. Sometimes they mean exactly what you think they mean. Other times and to be honest, most times, the one or two words used have layers and layers of meaning to us. They are like a code word for a whole book of emotions. The more simple my phrases and words, the more deeply I am retreating inside to try to find healing and comfort and help. I know that as I retreat inward I am no longer working so hard to make my body look "normal" and I lose a lot of my grasp on this plain. It allows me to access my connection to God and to allow His love to heal me.
Simple is a an eternal principle. The more we simplify, the closer to light, truth, and God we come. The more complicated we are - in our speech, relationships, knowledge, expression, etc. - the further we step from absolute truths and healing love that can only be found in one place. Only the love of God is capable of truly searching out and healing the wounded soul. Next time you're aching to the depths of your soul, try it our way. Sit on the floor. Get a comfortable repetitive rocking motion going. Focus on your heart and on the pain in it. Feel it. Let it come to the forefront of your consciousness. Then open your mouth and let your voice do what it will. Don't try to think of a way to express it. Just feel it. If you absolutely must have words, keep them simple.
In the Hebrew language, when finding the numerical meaning of a word, you always work with the lowest possible number. This is how emotion should be too. Work with the simplest words possible. Instead of saying, "My heart is aching to the depths of my being, and it feels like the pain will literally rip my heart into a million different pieces." Try, "I hurt. So sad. No good. Pain. So much pain."
You will be amazed at how much more emotion comes out and at how much closer to healing and being complete you feel. I believe we can all take example from those who do things without any external pressures to worry about. They don't care what others think of them and are rarely even aware of those around them. What they do is not influenced by others, only by God. So there is no mask, no pretense, no walls, and no vanity. Truth. That's it. Always and forever there will be only eternal truths.
*This is a blog about my own life and my own experience. If you choose to follow anything written here, you do so without any claim on me for problems or complications that may arise. I am not a doctor. I have no degree. I am not a professional. This is my perspective and experience, that's all. If you don't think you should do something on here, then don't.*