I love music a lot. I have recently been introduced to a song that I would like to share with all of you. Before I go into my post, I just want to say that music is very healing. It is healing for all of us, not just for people like me. The song in this post has elements in it, however, that are exceptionally healing for people like me. It is very repetitious in the accompaniment, as well as simple. It is grounding because the bass note only changes a couple of times, so it makes the song very soothing. The tempo is perfect to help me calm down when I am having a meltdown. The words share love and encouragement which helps those around me feel better, and in return helps me to not be overwhelmed by their concerns for me. It also shares my heart with them, which makes me feel less pressure to try to get them to understand how much they mean to me. Her voice is gentle and soft, when a lot of voices feel abrasive and sometimes painful to hear. This song is very healing for me.
The artists name is Mindy Gledhill. This song is how I feel towards those in my life who love and support me as I am - regardless of the comments and odd looks they get. This is for all of you who love someone that everyone else will not hear, see, or understand.
There are many of you out there who are doing so well. I suppose the bad days seem really bad and the good days that seem so miraculous and amazing to you, others' see and think, "Wow. Why are you so excited about that? That's what he should be doing."
They just don't know the amount of work it takes to even be able to walk for someone like me. They don't know that I consciously have to remind myself to breathe when I am focusing on some other physical task.
They don't see me.
They see the slow speech, the very long pauses between speaking. They don't hear my head considering a million different things to be sure I really mean what I say. They don't see the time it takes for me to process through all of the information and then have to consciously think about the muscles in my body to be able to speak. They think that I am stuck up or snobby. Or maybe they think that I am judgmental and cold.
They don't hear me.
They don't hear my heart like you do. Sometimes they think I am cruel with the things I say. They think I must have less to offer because I speak and move differently. They assume that I don't feel like they do, because when something would make them cry, I laugh. When something would make them laugh my face doesn't move a muscle. When something would make them angry, I shrug it off like I couldn't care less.
They don't understand my heart.
Yet there are those who do. There are those in my life who see past the quirks, the odd behaviors, the slow and deliberate answers, the red face when we're playing a physical game. There are those in my life who take the time to hear what I have to say, and value it. There are those who see that, though my eyes may not have tears in them, they are full of hurt and pain; though my face may be motionless, they see my eyes and by doing so, understand my heart.
This song expresses for me the way I feel towards the people in my life who do see me, hear me, and understand me. This song is for those of you who let your hearts break day after day as you watch a person you love go on through life, sometimes oblivious of the pain, sometimes not. It is for those of you who wonder if your loved one even notices whether or not you are there, those who wonder if you make a difference at all.
I have 7 people in my life who have taken the time to talk to me, ask me questions about me, tried to understand me. Those 7 people have made a world of difference for me. One of them has literally spent hours researching Asperger's Syndrome, just so that she could understand me. Just because she wanted to be able to be close to me as a friend and had been hurt by me - unbeknownst to me. She read about AS and then when I came back home from a trip, she sat and talked with me. She told me she understood about me. She opened her heart to me, even though I seemed to be closed. When she was done telling me what she had to say, I felt so happy. I felt loved. I felt loved. On the outside I was excited and fidgety. On the inside my heart felt warm, and I felt like I wanted to cry. But I couldn't, so I just smiled really big and giggled and smiled some more.
Sherri, you anchor me.
I have another dear friend who will not let me retreat emotionally, nor will she let me take on emotional issues from other people that do not belong to me. She takes the time to understand me and to help me understand her. She understands me. I know others have tried to empathize with me, but I never felt like they did. With her, I felt it. It is the first time in my life I felt like I wasn't alone in facing something, that I had someone with me - emotionally holding my hand as I faced that which was painful, scary, or just hard. She lets me ask a million questions and she answers them honestly - even if the answer may be something that could possibly hurt my heart. She gets that I need honesty more than tact. She doesn't let me be less than I am, she let's me know if I am giving less than I am able and asks more of me.
Cecily, you anchor me.
I am not able to tell you what the other people in my life do for me, it would take more time than I have right now. But those you love feel the same way about you as I do about these people in my life. They just don't know how to say it. So I'm saying it for them (and for me).
Thank you for anchoring me. You have no idea how much I depend on that anchor. Your heart and your hand keep me anchored, keep me grounded, yet, with you, I feel safe in staying here - anchored and grounded. Your heart and your hand keep me. Your tears, when I cannot cry my own, give me the feeling that I am not alone. Your laughter when I am happy but cannot express it, gives me a bubble of joy inside. Your kind words to someone who has been cruel to me are a boon to my soul. Your understanding of those who do not understand me gives me hope that we may all come to understand each other. You are important in my life. Without you, I would escape into my own little world forever. You help me stay and by staying, I can show others a different way to love, a deeper love. You invite me into your world when I don't know how to invite you into mine, and by doing so you show me that you want me in your life. You show me that I am not just a burden, but that I am as important in your life as you are in mine.
Thank you. With all the feeling and depth in my heart, thank you.