I have been in Utah for the last few days. I came out for work as well as a wedding. I got to see some of my family, old friends, and make a few new friends too. It has been a wonderful experience - so many great things that I could not have even dreamed of happening, happened.
Anyhow. If you'll remember, a few posts ago we talked about the steps to healing and how it is a three part process of being able to see, hear, and then understand. So here is the part about being able to see.
My first night here, I sat and talked with one of the women who is one of the 7 people I mentioned in my "You Anchor Me, Ground Me, Keep Me" post. She and I have been friends for nearly 12 years. As we talked on Tuesday night, she asked for help with opening her heart.
There are so many ways we can open our hearts. I sat and pondered for a moment and said a prayer. I asked for help in knowing which method was best for her at this moment. The answer came very clearly. She did not own herself yet. I will endeavor to explain this more as we progress through this post.
As I have addressed in previous posts, unless I am unified within myself, I cannot be where I need to be to really heal. If I have several places in my life that I developed false core beliefs, then each of those places creates a "damning" point in my growth. I am incapable of seeing clearly if my view is that of a five-month old, a two-year old, an eleven-year old, a twenty-year old......
It is like going through life cross-eyed. Only much worse, because instead of two of everything, there are multiple. Each one looks like it is the real thing, but only one actually is. How do you determine which is the truth? Do you reach out and try to touch each one every time? You could, I suppose. But then you will have to do that with every interaction because if I go cross-eyed one way and then the other, the position of the real thing moves. Does that make sense?
So, if I have all kinds of core beliefs in my history that prevent me from being whole, they also prevent my motives from being pure. I tend to do things in order to get what I need to heal whichever age is loudest. Let me see if I can use an example to help.
Quite a long time ago I was trying to find at what age I actually quit growing. As I felt it out, I kept going back to a very young age. I just couldn't get it out of my mind. As I circled around the age, it became very clear that I had my first dam blocking my growth when I was about 10 months old. I thought, "Great. So what do I do? I can't fix it, and that is forever ago!"
The thought came to me to see if I could tell what "she" (my 10-month old self) needed. (I will continue to refer to the different stages of myself as "her" or "she" and when I refer to myself as "I", I am speaking of myself as I am today - this is to make what I am trying to say easier to understand.) I closed my eyes and relaxed. I opened myself up to letting a visualization come.
As I sat there, just feeling, I saw a room. It was a very dark room and I could hear a baby crying in the room somewhere. It was a cry that tore at my heart. I went over to her and picked her up and just held her and loved her. I let her cry until she was comforted and done. I was amazed to watch her instantly begin to grow before my eyes.
She stopped growing around the age of 3. I didn't know what to do, but the thought came to me to ask her what she needed. "Love." So I put my arms around her and sang to her as we sat together on the floor. Once again she began to grow.
The next age she stopped growing was about 7 or so. Again the question, "What do you need?" The reply was the same. "Love. I'm scared." So I took her hand and we went for a walk in the sunshine and talked about what we saw and how it made her feel. After a short time of walking, she looked at me and said "Thank you." Then she began to grow again.
At the next juncture she seemed to be around 15. I repeated my question, "What do you need?" The answer, "I need to feel loved. I feel so lonely. No one cares about me. No one cares what I think or how I feel." So I asked her to tell me what she thought and how she felt. I reassured her that I did care. It took her a moment to believe me - to believe that I was interested and would listen and not condemn anything she felt or thought. She did open up after a little while. We talked. She told me about her life. She told me how hard it was. She told me what she was learning. We talked about what she liked and what she didn't like. I asked her questions about why she felt the way she did. I asked her to show me how the world looked through her eyes. It was a most enlightening conversation. It was a very long conversation as well. When it was over, she gave me a big hug and began growing again.
Our next stop was at about age 22. I asked, "What do you need?" She said, "I don't know. I just hurt so deeply. But I don't know what I need to heal it." I sat with her for a moment and tried to feel her out. It was really hard until I reached out and took her hand. Then I suddenly was overwhelmed with heaviness, darkness, and a great amount of pain. I had no idea that was in there. I also had no idea how to heal that. It was a level of pain that was beyond my ability to give healing to. I was stuck. I was at a loss as to how to help her and I just sat there and ached with her.
After a few moments, the thought came to me that I needed the Lord in on this one. Only His love could heal something this painful and this deep. So I said a prayer and asked for Him to come and help me. As I sat there next to her, the Savior walked into the room. I asked Him if He would heal her. He told me, "I want to. But she does not want me to. She does not trust me yet." I was not sure what to do. Then He said, "I'll give to you what you need to help her. She trusts you and she'll let you help her."
Then He stood directly in front of me and asked me to stand up. I did so. He placed His right hand over my heart and took hold of my right hand and placed it over His heart. Then He asked me to allow Him to cleanse me. I opened to Him and watched in amazement. It was like my entire body was filled with particles (that I later learned were energy) and they were all different levels of light. There were a lot of really dark ones. They flowed out of my right hand, into His heart. As they passed through His heart, they were "healed" or "cleansed" and became brilliant. Then He sent them through His right hand and into my heart.
As the brilliant ones entered my heart, they pushed the darkest ones out. (We could talk forever, literally, about the light this sheds on the scriptures. The scriptures about light, about God not being able to abide the least degree of sin, about Christ as a healer and a Savior, and myriad of other things.) This continued to happen until every last particle had been cycled out of me, through Him, and back again.
When this was finished I sat and talked with myself again. I listened as she expressed her fears and her pain. I waited until she had said all she needed to say, empathizing with her and truly listening. When she was finished I asked her if she wanted to let go of those things. She said she didn't know if she was ready to yet. She was afraid of letting go of them. It was the fear of the unknown. The fear of not carrying any more of that weight and burden; fear of letting go of what had defined her life for so many years, suddenly vanishing. Who was she then? What did it mean? We talked for some time. Finally she said she was willing to try, even though she was very afraid.
So I asked her to face me. I asked the Savior to place His hands on my head and then I asked her to put her right hand on my heart and I put my right hand on her heart. I did with her what the Savior had done with me, but I had His hands on my head, pouring in brilliant light as I helped her let go of things. It took quite a while for her to be willing to let go of the darkest ones. She happily sent out the lighter ones first. But after a little while she tentatively let go of the darker ones. As each of them passed through my heart, I could feel each memory and each experience - every piece had a bundle of memories and emotions that came with it and as it passed through me I experienced each one anew. That was a little difficult, to relive those experiences. But I only had to relive them, she didn't. (So had she been willing to let the Savior help her, the entirety of reliving would have been His alone. Sometime maybe we'll go into how this knowledge affected my view and understanding of the Atonement and the Garden of Gethsemane. Maybe.)
Anyhow. Once she let go of everything and was as brilliant and glowing as I was, she began to progress again. This time she didn't stop. As she grew more and more, we just merged. Then I was just me, standing beside the Savior as myself, complete and whole.
From this point on I was able to be true to myself, and my motives shifted. They became the true motives of my current self. I still do some of the things I've always done. I still use the same words. I still offer the same help and advice, but the reason behind it changed. The motives were no longer selfish in any way. They became what they ought to have always been. Before I was not even truly aware of my motives, I think. I did things, thinking that I was doing them with a pure heart. I never allowed myself to question though. That is a big warning sign. If I run away from questioning something, it's because there is something under the surface that I am trying to hide from myself.
My point is that at the end of this experience, I was no longer "cross-eyed". There was only one view. I could see, much more clearly, which views were truth and which were erroneous. It was then easy to hear my own voice and so to see where to go to work and change things. Until I was whole, I was so confused by the many voices within me that I could not have found real truth if I looked for a hundred years. Well, maybe if I made a conscious effort for that long, but it would have been arduous and horrific. I probably would have stopped long before I was able to be truly successful.
In the Tao we read, "He who knows men is clever. He who knows himself is enlightened. He who conquers men has power. He who conquers himself is powerful." (Tao te Ching, chapter 33, in part)
I have found this to be true. I could not step into who I am and what I am meant to do until I could first step in to myself. This is what I helped my friend do on Tuesday night. I walked her through the beginning of the process until she got the hang of it, and then just sat next to her, offering silent support and love as she continued through her process. I don't think she got all the way through, but it was far enough for her. She felt much lighter. When she was done she couldn't quite smiling and looked at me and just began to giggle. She said she felt like such a weight had been lifted off of herself. It was beautiful to witness.
The truth of all things is abundantly clear when we have singleness of heart. In order to have singleness of heart, I have to agree with myself - at every age. As Isaiah told us, the process to healing begins with seeing with our eyes. (Isaiah 6:10) If we will see with our eyes (which is impossible to do if we are "cross-eyed"), it will allow us to distinguish truth from error in what we see. Then we can begin to truly hear. Once we hear our hearts will be capable of understanding. Then we will "convert and be healed."
*This is a blog about my own life and my own experience. If you choose to follow anything written here, you do so without any claim on me for problems or complications that may arise. I am not a doctor. I have no degree. I am not a professional. This is my perspective and experience, that's all. If you don't think you should do something on here, then don't.*